“A drawing is always dragged down to the level of its caption.A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make sense.”

“The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his.”

“I always begin at the left with the opening word of the sentence and read toward the right and I recommend this method.”

“Hens embarrass me; owls disturb me; if I am with an eagle I always pretend that I am not with an eagle; and so on down to swallows at twilight who scare the hell out of me. But pigeons have absolutely no effect on me.”

“Taking a single letter from the alphaber," he said, "should make life simpler.""I don't see why. Take the F from life and you have lie. It's adding a letter to simple that makes it simpler. Taking a letter from hoarder makes it harder.”

“The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.”

“I hate women because they always remember where things are.”