“Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy, wealthy, and dead. ”

“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.”

“The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.”

“Authors of light pieces have, nobody knows why, a genius for getting into minor difficulties: they walk into the wrong apartments, they drink furniture polish for stomach bitters, they drive their cars into the prize tulip beds of haughty neighbors, they playfully slap gangsters, mistaking them for old school friends.”

“Taking a single letter from the alphaber," he said, "should make life simpler.""I don't see why. Take the F from life and you have lie. It's adding a letter to simple that makes it simpler. Taking a letter from hoarder makes it harder.”

“It was Lisa, aged five, whose mother asked her to thank my wife for the peas we had sent them from our garden. 'I thought the peas were awful, I wish you and Mrs. Thurber were dead, and I hate trees,' said Lisa.”

“A drawing is always dragged down to the level of its caption.A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make sense.”