“I hate women because they always remember where things are.”

“All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first.”

“I don't remember any blue poodles.”

“I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.”

“Let me be the first to admit that the naked truth about me is to the naked truth about Salvador Dali as an old ukulele in the attic is to a piano in a tree, and I mean a piano with breasts. Senor Dali has the jump on me from the beginning. He remembers and describes in detail what it was like in the womb. My own earliest memory is of accompanying my father to a polling booth in Columbus, Ohio, where he voted for William McKinley.”

“Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.”

“It was Lisa, aged five, whose mother asked her to thank my wife for the peas we had sent them from our garden. 'I thought the peas were awful, I wish you and Mrs. Thurber were dead, and I hate trees,' said Lisa.”