“You see that one man will give a reward for the recovery of his tup, while another will only give thanks for the rescue of his wife. I suggest to you that one need not read the articles in the newspaper at all, for here - in the humble notices - all humanity is laid bare.”

“The only way that I have seen to keep teenagers out of one another's arms is to give them a bigger, more wonderful goal to offset all the distractions common to their youth. For a young man, that goal should include preparing for a delightful and profitable career, doing something he really enjoys doing. For a young woman, it includes preparing to be the ideal wife, mother and administrative assistant such a passionate and goal-oriented young man will need”

“My dear Mr. Bennet," replied his wife, "how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of his marrying one of them.”

“I wish with all my soul his wife may plague his heart out.”

“On a related subject, Signore Pazzi, I must confess to you: I'm giving serious thought to eating your wife.”

“Tell a devout Christian that his wife is cheating on him, or that frozen yogurt can make a man invisible, and he is likely to require as much evidence as anyone else, and to be persuaded only to the extent that you give it. Tell him that the book he keeps by his bed was written by an invisible deity who will punish him with fire for eternity if he fails to accept its every incredible claim about the universe, and he seems to require no evidence what so ever.”

“Did you ever think that if you told me where Bill's hiding his computer program, I would give you anything you asked for?"- Eric, club dead.”