“1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.”

“How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.”

“How many midgets does it take to take over the world? I’m not sure, but I’d guess twice as many.”

“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size shoe you wear.”

“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE.”

“To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.”

“Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.”