“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.”

“Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.”

“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.”

“In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.”

“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.”

“Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.”

“What I’m doing is not doing anything, and I’m doing a half-ass job.”