“A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.”

“I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.”

“My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place.
”

“A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too hard.
”

“I may give up on life one day, but that doesn’t mean my clones will just roll over and die. There are just too many people who need my help, people willing to pay for my services.”

“It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.”

“A Cyclops on a unicycle juggling three giant eyeballs couldn’t compare to the balanced vision my writing presents. In fact, noted linguist and translation expert Dora J. Arod had these flattering words to say about my writing: “I wouldn’t read Jarod’s writing—not even if he paid me to read it. And he does pay me to read his writing, but that doesn’t mean I do.” Of course the quote continued on, but that was the only part that was praising.”