“A bird once sent out its mating call and in return got the siren of an ambulance.”

“I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritual.”

“The birds bark my name, and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life, but not about love. Or maybe I mixed that up.”

“She doesn’t return my phone calls. I’d like them back, unopened.”

“I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I just might knock on another door, to be able to proudly say that I was once a door-to-door salesman.”

“I once got a handjob from a glove. I miss the 80s.”

“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).”