“A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as a sack of flour. 
”

“A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work. 
”

“A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling. 
”

“A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.”

“I’m romantic. I’ll try to make your bed while you’re still sleeping in it.”

“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be prepared to one day be a politician.”

“A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.
”