“A brick could be used as a puzzle. See if you can correctly add up the number of sides. If you keep getting the number seven, try consulting a psychologist—or a numerologist. Incidentally, I just so happen to be the latter, so feel free to give me a call. But don’t feel too free, because my services are most certainly not free.
”

“I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where nobody can touch it—not even me. My collection grows larger every day.”

“A book is a vacation for the mind. My books will take you inside my mind, so feel free to make yourself at home. Do as you please, but please don’t put your feet up on my hippocampus.”

“A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only question is, Which end will you insert? If you’re a politician, I’d recommend the one with the hooks.
”

“My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.”

“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller could order me a pizza after they hang up on me.”

“A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too hard.
”