“A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way America’s progressing, collectively, as a country.
”

“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.
”

“A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up. 
”

“A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go to hell.
”

“A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead. 
”

“A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money. 
”

“A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.”