“A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.”

“The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.”

“My asshole smells like a bookstore. So, are you a big reader?”

“My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.”

“I just got around to brushing my teeth today, and now my asshole smells minty fresh.”

“Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes.
”

“I’m reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the world’s first steam-powered fog machine. He’s also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower in WWI, decided to counteract it with his own creation, the candle thrower. The candle thrower was only battle tested once, and after fifteen minutes the war zone was littered with lit candles. Upon returning home after the war, some of the soldiers suffered such extreme and bizarre cases of PTSD that anytime a civilian lit a match or used their lighter, the soldiers would hit the ground and start singing “Happy Birthday.”