“A condom prevents life. A gun takes life. Would a condom over the barrel of a gun prevent one life from taking another?”

“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.”

“I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.”

“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”

“I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That’s why I’m wearing a condom.)
”

“I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes to type with one hand while your other hand is shaking from holding a loaded Sig Sauer? Well, at least twice as long.”