“A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.”

“Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that's sitting on a pile of steaming feces.”

“Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.”

“My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.”

“Burn my eyebrows and call me Bette. But if I’ve got eyebrows, don’t call me Bette—call me Davis. Then let’s make love like The Bad Sister.”

“What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.”

“My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.”