“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
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“A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.
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“When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.”

“My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just how inaccurate our quarterback was.”

“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.”

“I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldn’t tell because I was already sitting in the nosebleed section.”

“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.”