“A great gift would be a cheap pen, mounted on a wooden plaque, with the accompanying label that reads, “This is the pen that was first used to write down these words. This is history. This happened. Now, go write your own history. But use another pen, because this one’s not only super glued to the wood, but it’s out of ink.”

“When you use your pen to think, you’re never wasting ink.”

“You’ll drown in my love story, if I ever write it using a fountain pen.”

“If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.”

“I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.”

“My favorite pen is my penis. Put my words in your mouth.”

“I think the perfect pen name is Quill McSeagull. Especially for writing flights of fancy—and nothing has more feathers than a love poem.”