“A hammer alone on a coffee table doesn’t kill someone. But a man in a business suit with hemorrhoids might. How that business suit got hemorrhoids I have no idea.”

“I met a man from Columbia who had a table for a back. I asked if it was a coffee table. He got offended and thought I was stereotyping him. How was I supposed to know it was a Three-drawer Wuchow Console Table?”

“It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth.”

“Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician's pants.”

“Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.”

“Ben had never seen another hotel quite like The Mandrake. The valets were all dressed like Roman Centurions, the Doorman was dressed like Caesar, and the bellmen all had dark blue business suits and Donald Trump wigs.”

“I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.”