“A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.”

“I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me.
”

“I asked her if she’d give me all her love, and she flatly said no. I got excited because while she said she wouldn’t give me all her love, she said nothing about not wanting to give me some of her love.”

“She told me she has her eye on me, so I said, And what do you have your other eye on?”

“A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?
”

“The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don't think he will.”

“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.”