“A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have to be a two-for-one deal.”

“When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I broke up with to be with my wife.”

“A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you've got a friend for life. Say, do you want to brick swap? 
”

“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.”

“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
”

“I could have thought up a lot of things, but many great people had to go and live before me. They might have stole my thunder, but I’ve got a tight hold on the lightning.”

“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.”