“A quiet kid is a good kid. But a quiet and invisible kid is an even better kid.”

“The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.”

“When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid, I was a full-fledged goat.”

“I am the kid with the dirty red shoes. That’s not dirt, it’s blood.
”

“I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.”

“He was just a kid. He didn’t care. He was like, “I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too. But I cared. With him gone, who was I going to play Plato and Socrates with?
”

“If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.”