“A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.”

“We danced together. We didn’t look graceful, but how could we? She only had one leg and I had my eyes on her friend the whole night. Sure, her friend couldn’t dance either, and literally had two left feet, but I’ll take two left feet over one left foot any day.”

“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to her family. As it is, I only need to cut her up into four pieces, and serve her to the pigs.”

“If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.”

“I have three step brothers and one step sister. It’s like a staircase, and I am the slinky.”

“Were you aware that my sister looks like my brother? They both look nonexistent.”

“A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.”