“A trophy isn’t about the hardware, the gold-painted statue mounted on marble, it’s about the recognition of excellence. A trophy is a physical representation of the abstract concepts of hard work and dedication. And that’s precisely why I don’t have any trophies.
”

“Receiving trophies is all about getting recognized. Wearing big sunglasses and a fake mustache is about not being recognized. Why not wearable trophies, so you can be recognizably unrecognizable?”

“Participation trophies are junk. If all you have to do is show up, how worthless are they? Unless you’re invisible and deaf, and then one of those trophies would be meaningful, because simply showing up is exactly what is hard for you to do.”

“I want a trophy that has atrophy—where the maquette on top isn’t sculpted metal, but rather a flaccid sack of jelly that sags and droops.”

“I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.”

“A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.
”

“I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?”