“Actual message in letter I mailed: Congrats on getting married! Here’s a hundred-dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com. You could buy something practical, or you could buy 101 copies of my .99 cents ebook. Just kidding—I didn’t mean to imply that buying 101 copies of my book was impractical. 
”

“I didn’t feel like buying him the jacket he asked for for Christmas, so I just got him a coat hanger with a sticky note attached that read, “Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.”

“When I get excited I drool. That’s why I buy bibs wholesale from my dentist. Based on that alone you could label me a romantic.”

“My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.”

“I won’t allow anyone to buy you a clock. Not on my watch.”

“If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.”

“I buy all my socks with holes in them. Otherwise, how would I get my feet in them?”