“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose.
”

“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.”

“My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t know how to tie a noose. I’m making meatloaf on a stick if you want to come over later and help me prosecute my entire wardrobe.”

“Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.”

“I got tapped for the job position. As soon as I felt it on my shoulder, I turned around and my boss told me.”

“Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me...”

“Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?”