“After my first coaching experience, the field looked more like Gettysburg than a normal defeat. But it wasn’t that bad, as only about half my team lay dead, while the rest were merely dying.”

“The book wasn’t half bad. But only because I only read half of it.”

“Cats like to cuddle more than any other living creature, including zombies, which are only half dead.”

“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”

“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”

“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.”

“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One Half Off deal. So he kept the full mustache, and gave me the half stache. It looks more like an eyebrow than a mustache.”