“All books are coloring books, if you are in possession of a childlike imagination, and a box of markers.”

“I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.”

“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.”

“You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or worse) than it is. All art exists outside and beyond criticism.”

“Have you ever wanted to learn Geometry, Calculus, Physics, German, and the mystical teachings of Orafoura? Well, now you can! Just not with this book. Well, except for the mystical bit. This book is guaranteed to cost you, or your money back. If there is ever a book that deserves to be burned, this is it. And while you are lighting a fire, why don't you also set your imagination ablaze? You can start by taking a gasoline shower and sprinting naked through Flint, Michigan. Or Phoenix. After all, the only way you'll ever be able to reach your true potential is with a stepladder and a stretch.”

“The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

“There are certain books in the history of the world that should never have been written. This book makes all those look like masterpieces.”