“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.”

“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?”

“The man with two plungers for hands never wipes his ass, but he also never clogs up a toilet either.”

“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.
”

“I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.”

“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?”

“You haven’t lived until you’ve wiped your ass with a pile of sand. Toilet paper doesn’t measure eternity the way the sands of time do.”