“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.”

“Enough!", Henry bellowed. His mother's mouth snapped shut. " You're talking about the woman I love! I don't give a shit about what you think. Claire is an amazing mother and she loves her son. I love her son. They are everything to me and nothing you say is going to change that! You can take your high and mighty talk and shove it up your ass!", Henry snapped.”

“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?”

“Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.”

“They really are something else together.""Something else? That's the nice way of saying they're bat shit crazy.""Hey! You listen here, woman.""You can listen to my foot up your ass if you call me woman again. And you can take that to court.”

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”