“Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?”

“I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.
”

“I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.”

“A zebra is the piano of the animal kingdom. And I am the flute at the nudist colony, if you know what I mean.”

“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.”

“So I am to be Robert’s replacement. On the one hand, there is no pressure, because it’s not like I am replacing the cool guy that left that everybody loved. But at the same time, the pressure is huge, because if I screw up, my coworkers will all say, “Jarod’s a terrible employee. He’s so bad that even the lifeless robot was better and more hospitable than him.” It’s man vs. machine, and I am the underdog. I need to go buy a “How to be Better than a Dummy for Dummies” book before tomorrow so I’m not the most recent victim in a long line of human defeats at the hands of machine.”

“I have three step brothers and one step sister. It’s like a staircase, and I am the slinky.”