“An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.”

“The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there and drank Gatorade. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.”

“There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late.”

“I had an arranged marriage. If I didn’t, how would anybody know when and where to show up?”

“If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.”

“The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.”