“Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them to swallow.”

“If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.”

“My love is like a crumbly cookie. It’s very hard to give all of it to just one person. Try as I might to give it all to just one woman, crumbs break off here and there in meaningless crushes and kisses and—but what am I saying? Baby, you know you’re the only one I’ve given my cookie to. Can I get you a tall glass of milk?”

“Love is orange, though sometimes it will make you blue. You might see that as depressing, but I see it as a compliment.”

“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.”

“Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.”

“I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.”