“Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.”

“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants, for instance, and while you’re pondering that, take a moment to gaze at my penis.”

“I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don't come out in front, then simply changing directions will correct that.”

“Of all the smiths from goldsmiths to John Smiths, the most powerful is the wordsmith, because he can influence your emotions and cognitions. And while you are standing there pondering what he said, he can rob you of your gold and your identity.”

“I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.”

“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucumber.”

“I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love.”