“Artists have to have a good eye. And to be great, I'd recommend having two.”

“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.”

“If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a midget.”

“If you tell me I look familiar but you just can’t place it, I’ll tell you that with two ears, two eyes, two lips, and a nose, I just must have one of those faces.”

“A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have to be a two-for-one deal.”

“You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam”