“At the end of the first date, I got my courage up and I made a move. One U-Haul van and 1,500 miles later, I regretted my boldness.”

“One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date.
”

“If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not one way.”

“The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.”

“I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.”

“After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.”

“Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a hairball later on.”