“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.”

“I sell Ziploc bags. They’re not empty—they’re full of hope.”

“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.”

“He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because he also kept his sandwiches warming there while he walked.”

“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”

“Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.”

“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.”