“Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.”

“Instead of a motorcycle gang, I’m thinking of starting up a unicycle gang. We’ll be hell on wheel. (My first recruit will be a woman named Helen Wiel.)”

“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore pepperoni and mushrooms on my face.”

“In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.”

“I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.”

“The only French I know is a kiss. I studied a lot of that foreign tongue in high school.”