“Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.”

“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.”

“If you say renewable, I’ll think energy. If you say fore, I’ll think play. If you say binary, I’ll think anal defibrillator.”

“If footballs were the size of acorns, they’d be easy to lose in the forest. Virginity is also easy to lose in the forest, and mine, believe it or not, was shaped like an acorn.”

“I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.”

“Love is like a unicorn with a rainbow for a horn. What I mean is it’s rare, and you’re lucky if you see it once, or at the most twice, in a given week.
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“Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food.”