“Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.”

“So that was how I spent nine months of my life. I felt like I was pregnant, except instead of giving life, I was wasting mine.”

“Rain is a nudist’s shower, and I want a bathtub the size of a lake. Then we could make love like your parents did that one time, nine months before your birth.”

“I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.
”

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t grow facial hair on my chest.”

“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.”

“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.”