“Boil your drinking water, and drink the water surrounding you in your bathtub.”

“I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.”

“I want my writing to be as smooth as drinking a glass of water—pool water, with piss in it.”

“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.”

“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”

“I spoke the word “moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.”

“I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging down all the water out of the goldfish bowl. My friends know I have a drinking problem.”