“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.”

“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.”

“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.
”

“I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actually print it on toilet paper. That way nobody will be surprised by how shitty my book is.”

“A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give me a birthday present every year. It owes its life to me.”

“My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.”

“The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.”