“Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.”

“Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the fastest, to make the best use of what little time they have.”

“A hammer alone on a coffee table doesn’t kill someone. But a man in a business suit with hemorrhoids might. How that business suit got hemorrhoids I have no idea.”

“If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?”

“The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was "Stop!" Thinking back, I don't know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to think he was talking to the car, because how could he be so foolish to try to talk to me, when I was busy driving the car.”

“I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.”

“My blender has a more powerful engine than my car, but my car doesn’t make smoothies as well. I drive a Toyota Starbucks Limited Edition.”