“But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can heat up my loneliness and enjoy it for dinner tomorrow night.”

“I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today. This makes the me of yesterday offensive to the me of today.”

“I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.”

“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.”

“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan lotion. The only sad part for me about getting a cat from the pound is that I can only choose one. If I could, I’d take home all of them. Actually, my view is why take them home? Why not just move in to an animal shelter? But my future wife wouldn’t go for that. Though I’m pretty sure she could move into a shoe store no problem.”

“If my skin wasn’t flesh, but was tinfoil, I’d probably not only be left-handed, but I’d be a leftover. I guess the real question is, Would you rather make love to me or make dinner?”

“I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid for dinner. And picked me up.”