“Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.”

“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers are for.”

“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food and you shoot them, you’ll also need a good place to hide the bodies.”

“You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to read the body language that people’s homes present.”

“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.”

“I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.”

“You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to push you around.”