“Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.”

“Cats like to cuddle more than any other living creature, including zombies, which are only half dead.”

“Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.”

“My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.”

“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg below the knee. You’ll make lots of friends. You can even attach a bundle of straw at the end, like a broom, and apply to be a janitor.”

“I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.”

“Standing in cat litter is not the same as walking on the beach. Trust me, you can’t pee on the beach.”