“Come, midget, and use my pillow as a sleeping bag.”

“Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!”

“Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in the trunk.”

“I don’t use coarse humor, but occasionally I’ll joke about intercourse—between midget siblings.”

“I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with me on his back. This makes me the superior land animal.”

“An empty bag of chips would make a great sleeping bag, if it were larger. Or if I were smaller, thinner, tastier, and with 33% less fat per serving.”

“The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”