“Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.”

“My name is Mr. Raingold. But please, call me Money Showers.”

“As far as how my mom might view me, I can imagine her saying something like this to me: “You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone your whole life.”

“Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.”

“I could save money if I ate my coworker’s pussy for lunch, rather than going to a restaurant.”

“My mom gave me life, so I gave her batteries. AA batteries.”

“My mom and dad died, but in their place I got a house of fog that’s easy to hide my feelings in. (No smoking, please.)
”