“Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.”

“I want to be so successful that my secretary needs a secretary.”

“The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface of the moon with a protective layer of sunscreen. If you care about albinos and the environment, you’ll see this is a good idea. And hey, it’s a better use of taxpayer funds than bailing out private banks.
”

“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.”

“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.”

“I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?”

“When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves. Through my clones, I am a slave to myself.”