“Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.”

“I sell Ziploc bags. They’re not empty—they’re full of hope.”

“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.
”

“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.”

“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”

“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.”

“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.”