“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.”

“For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?”

“Never chew off the hand you write with, you might survive and have to sign autographs.”

“Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

“The best part about teamwork, is me collecting all the prize money. Hey, that’s what captains are for, right?”

“I left the door open so you could come in—and I could go out. That’s what being in love is all about.”

“My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat. Wait, that’s not my story—that’s Rocky’s. I get us confused all the time.”