“Don’t bother calling the cops, because nobody can find me here. I know, because after all these years, I’m still trying to find myself.”

“In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.”

“I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater, because I’m only half-finished knitting it.”

“I fear one day I’ll get a knock at my front door, and I’ll answer it to find myself standing there. Then I’ll hear myself say, “Hi, I’m from the future, and I’m here to destroy you.” But that is irrational. The future me isn’t out to destroy me, because the me of my past already did a thorough job demolishing my present and possible future.”

“I’d say my writing voice is original, and I don’t think you’ll find another quite like it. This makes me sad, because when all my clones arrive sometime in the future, their only hope is to try to copy me.
”

“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.”

“I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?”