“Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked.
”

“When love dissipates, it’s like dancing with daisies at midnight, and you don’t get easy at it when you’re deceased. And make no mistake, you will die before romance will.”

“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants, for instance, and while you’re pondering that, take a moment to gaze at my penis.”

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless you’re Goliath), and I’m not ugly (unless you’re James Dean).”

“Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as if people don’t want to see me at 4 AM as I knock on their doors.”

“Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.”

“Don’t steal because it’s immoral, not because you’re afraid you’ll get caught.”